Day 9

Structure. I love it and I hate it.

I hate it when it confines me and forces me to stay within a box I don't want to be in.
I love structure when it defines the parameters of my influence. I especially love structure as it relates to my walking.

We walked a new route today. It's a warm sunny day so we went down to a park near the water for our walk. I loved seeing all the people out skating, picnicking, and playing at the playground, but it meant that I was outside my comfort zone. After only 8 days I've developed a routine with my walking. After just 8 days I've created a structure to my walk. And today I stepped outside that structure.

I was a little grumpy, not knowing where my half-way point was, only able to rely on the clock for how much farther I had to walk. It was so much easier to focus on my discomfort today than when I have the luxury of walking within my structure.

I love the idea of spontaneity; I love to be spontaneous. I don't always appreciate the inconvenience of it, especially when I walk. Ambiguity doesn't serve me well when I'm walking. I need to know how far I'm going, what the terrain is like, what's expected of me. I wish I could be more spontaneous with my walking. Countless times in my life someone will ask me to go on a walk with them or suggest we walk to the store instead of drive. This usually sends me into a little panic, wondering if I can do it or not, especially without pain. I've learned to honor my body and say no, but I don't like saying no. I want to say "Yes" to as much in life as possible and I sometimes resent my leg for holding me back.

Perhaps I've learned how to say "No" too well. Perhaps I've said "No" when I could have said "Yes." Perhaps I've underestimated myself for a long time. I used to have the mental fortitude to carry on through the discomfort, through the pain, through the sweat. Not only has my body gotten weak, but so has my backbone. It wasn't until I became pregnant that I ever felt really disabled. It's been a long 14 years since then. It's time to create and keep the structure of my walk until I can trust my body again.